Dear 2023

You’ve been the greatest gift that I could have ever asked for. You’ve given me the gift of acceptance and an inner knowing helping to transform the dark night of the soul into an eternal source of light. It is from that place of awakening that I am becoming.

For thirty-two years, I found myself trapped in loop. Everything that I was attracted to were moths disguised as butterflies. I painted the world in colourful rainbows instead of seeing things for what they truly were. I was reckless. I was naive. The truth was that I loved others more than I loved myself. I didn’t know better and didn’t know when to stop. 

It was from that place of constant giving that I finally lost myself. In the wreckage of 2023, I found the lost treasure hidden in the depths of the cold sea. What felt like a sinking ship became the life boat that I needed to rescue those parts of me scattered across the ocean. 

Born from the wreckage was the greatest awakening and I came to life. And through the pilgrimage, I arrived home to place of wholeness and clarity. I feel blessed to have lived so many lives. What a time to be alive!

Thank you, 2023.
💛 Jenny

You’re worth it

Three months ago, I cut off a relationship that felt impossible to leave behind. Shortly after, I ran into this person at yoga and finished class by crying down the streets of Wan Chai all the way back to Soho (that’s a 40-minute stroll across Hong Kong).

I took this video (below) to remind myself just how low I felt and to never again allow anyone, especially me, to make me feel invaluable and undeserving.

It’s so easy to share our joy, happiness and success with the world. And it’s so easy to hyper-focus on the “good” that the world sometimes looks too perfect like Barbie Land. But part of being human is to feel fully. Just remember, you are damn worth it and never let anyone make you second guess yourself.

Only my closest confidants know that I tried to take my life last year. I’ve never felt that low. Yeah, it’s not something I’m proud of but I took a lot of lessons away from it. I’m grateful for the relationship because it was one of my greatest teaching moments. Life is too goddamn beautiful and precious to just give it all up, or maybe worse, squander it away.

It’s crazy because that felt like a lifetime ago. I like to think it’s because of how much I’ve grown and how I try to live each day as if it were my last. The rest of the footage was taken at the wedding of my dearest two friends one month after I cried down the streets. No drugs, no alcohol. Pure joy. We were celebrating love, something we need to cherish in a world that has become so cold.

Part of why I’m also sharing this is because I see so many people suffering and withdrawn. We’ve been conditioned to feel fine when we’re not. We don’t want to open up because we don’t want to feel vulnerable. Maybe that’s part of the problem. We think everyone is out to get us. But deep down, I think we all reach for love, not just in the romantic sense but as family, friends and community.

The day I cried down the streets, I ran into a friend who just held me in his arms for an incredibly long moment of silence. We didn’t speak much after and continued down our separate ways. That hug and presence was all I needed.

I hope we can learn to be more present and open with each other. We are species that love love. Go out there and live your life. Hug your loved ones. Hug a stranger. Connect with the greatness out there but don’t be taken advantage of. Love and be kind. ❤️

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Courage

On the outside I am strong
On the inside I am soft
I am fragile because I love deeply
Exposing me to more vulnerability

On the outside I am strong
On the inside I am soft
But that doesn’t make me weak

I am soft and I am malleable
I am soft and I am adaptable
Resilience is my nature
And my greatest strength

I am strong and I am soft
But with a fragile heart
Because love is my true being

Belonging

Attachment is just a need to belong.
When we strip away the layers of our conditioning,
like peeling away the layers of an onion,
we reveal the nature of our true Self.
So therein lies the problem itself,
the grasping of the delusional mind—
a collection of patterns and limiting beliefs
in the physical form of the avatar that is us.
When we detach from the sense of our false Self, 
we reach the core essence of our true being,
our being as nature,
where we have always belonged.

The art of letting go

Change requires us to venture into unknown territory that usually comes with doubt, fear and uncertainty. But if we allow ourselves to surrender, we open up space to be more present, bringing a peace of mind and clarity that helps us navigate through the dark and bloom into the light. 

I wanted to take a stroll down memory lane as a way to remind myself how liberating it is to let go and empower myself to release the last few strands that I’ve been clinging onto. I hope this resonates with those who are also feeling stuck and serves as an inspiration for us to live more freely.

My first meeting with Death

Two years ago, I blissfully drifted out to the South China Sea. A yacht that sped past abruptly stopped and coursed its way back. The crew and guests onboard worried I was adrift and needed help. Completely oblivious to the changing weather, I dismissed their help and insisted on paddling myself back to the distant land where I had set camp. They reluctantly left, and at that moment, I woke up to my reality: a storm was coming through. I started to paddle.

No matter how fast or slow I went, I couldn’t compete with the moving currents. I abandoned my floaty and tried to swim only to exhaust myself after swallowing mouthfuls of the ocean. I retreated to my float realising that I was adrift (and likely to reach the Philippines in seven days if the currents continued moving in the same direction).

I’ve been practising equanimity, knowing any attempt to cling onto life (i.e. to hold onto our attachments) would only lead to anxiety and suffering. So I slowed my breath, accepting death with each exhalation and easing into my "Cast Away” experience with each inhalation. Then, in the moment of acceptance, out of the blue, a local fishing boat appeared and I wavered my arms and screamed for all the hope in my lungs. After what felt like an eternity, a woman emerged out of the ship’s quarters and caught sight of my desperate call. Her husband retrieved me out of the ocean and they took me back to the beach from where I came. 

Surrendering the body

During a recent breath retreat in Costa Rica, I experienced an unforgettable out-of-body encounter where I felt my spirit leaving the body. There was no clock or timer, just my breath calibrating the mind, body and soul into the frequency of the music guiding us through our breathwork. It happened to be quite an emotional journey where I could feel a lot of deep-rooted pain and suffering rise up and out—it felt so liberating.

I felt so light like a feather drifting upwards towards the clouds. I felt my entire physical existence evaporate into the universe when “Hymn To The Soul” came on and it was in this liberated space where I managed to hold my breath for the entirety of the song (5 minutes and 39 seconds), breaking the longest breath retention record I’ve ever held. I have been practising breathwork for the past two years but I’ve never been able to push past a two-minute breath hold; it was the act of surrendering that allowed me to become unbounded and untethered to the physical body in this three-dimensional world and experience the transcendental state of pure consciousness.

The power of letting go

The art of surrendering is an active process of leaning into our fears. A true master of the art knows to let go of attachments (an idea, identity, belief, feeling and object) that keep a person held back. It is in that space where we surrender, something beautiful happens. A gentle force awakens that allows us to tune into the natural rhythm of the universe and thrive with more peace and happiness. We become liberated to make conscious choices that bring us closer to the things that align with our true inner compass.

With those thoughts, I leave you to ponder further with Alan Watts’ “Falling Into Love”:

Well now really when we go back into falling in love. And say, it's crazy. Falling. You see? We don't say "rising into love". There is in it, the idea of the fall. And it goes back, as a matter of fact, to extremely fundamental things. That there is always a curious tie at some point between the fall and the creation. Taking this ghastly risk is the condition of there being life. You see, for all life is an act of faith and an act of gamble.

The moment you take a step, you do so on an act of faith because you don't really know that the floor's not going to give under your feet. The moment you take a journey, what an act of faith. The moment that you enter into any kind of human undertaking in relationship, what an act of faith. See, you've given yourself up. But this is the most powerful thing that can be done: surrender. 

See. And love is an act of surrender to another person. Total abandonment. I give myself to you. Take me. Do anything you like with me. See. So, that's quite mad because you see, it's letting things get out of control. All sensible people keep things in control. Watch it, watch it, watch it. Security? Vigilance Watch it. Police? Watch it. Guards? Watch it. Who's going to watch the guards? So, actually, therefore, the course of wisdom, what is really sensible, is to let go, is to commit oneself, to give oneself up and that's quite mad. So we come to the strange conclusion that in madness lies sanity.

---

The album from my Cast Away experience

Me on my float roughly 20 minutes before the yacht passed and I realised I was adrift.

Roughly where I drifted.

A theory of love

During one of my Ayahuasca ceremonies, I saw a little girl crying in the forest. She was alone and lost—lost in all aspects of that word. That child was me. I went into the forest and held that child telling her everything is okay and that everything will be okay. Then I took her hands, and together, we walked out of the forest.

One moment you think you’re healed, and in the next, you find yourself trying to surf the excruciating waves of emotion. The pain, anger, resentment, sadness, anxiety, isolation and all that suffering was the darkest shadow that ever clouded my head; it felt like dark matter creating life in this universe, and it took me back to a distant memory where a guide once told me to lean into the edge and conquer my fears. In that moment as I surrendered myself to the dark, I started radiating from within. I was glowing in the golden light of warmth and love; it was the heart guiding me back home to myself.

Our journey in the school of life seldom follows a linear path. We meander through unforeseen bends and encounter tempestuous storms for the universe persistently tests us with assignments that require deep and sometimes painful work that when embraced, can foster personal evolution from adversities—no one ever told us that growing up. Yet Mama Ayahuasca emerges as a wise mentor—both a harsh and loving mirror revealing the facets of ourselves ripe for growth and expansion. Through her unconditional love, she illuminates our journey through the shadows.

Joy and love, though often intertwined, are not interchangeable concepts. Love, however, is intrinsically linked to growth. Through each successive ceremony, you cultivate the ability to hold a sacred space for yourself as emotions rise up and out, spiralling forth from the deep wells of the heart. When you learn to sit with your emotions, you are holding space for that part of you to be expressed, to be seen, to be heard, and to be just as you are in this world. It's a journey of self-love unlike any other, for the responsibility for our emotional well-being rests ultimately upon our own shoulders.

When you allow the breath to emanate from a deeper place within your body, clarity rises and magic takes shape. The universe unfurls a world of endless possibilities as you surrender wholeheartedly. You become weightless, poised to ascend and glide with greater ease and grace in this world. Embracing this journey empowers you to conquer your shadows, live more fearlessly, and reign over your world unapologetically. You stand as your own statue, resilient and towering, a bastion against life's stormy weather, while serving as your north star to guide and align your soul's purpose. When you immerse your total being in love, you vibrate at a higher frequency that goes out into the universe, giving birth to life.

Healing our path to mental health

One in eight people around the world suffers from a mental health condition. Depression and anxiety rose by 25% worldwide during the first year of covid. Since the pandemic three years ago, I embarked on a deep journey with myself that started with therapy. I share the story of this girl’s journey to bring mental health into the spotlight with hopes of inspiring people towards healing so that we can bring our best and authentic selves to work, home and everything in between. 

Life so far today

Infancy & Childhood

The moment I was born, life was always on the go. I lived in 3 countries, moved every 2 years and changed schools 3 times. Stability and stillness were foreign ideas from the start. Teachers used to hit me and publicly shame me because my nails were too long. In those early years as language skills were still in development, I lacked the vocabulary and tools to help manage my emotions, and so, I started to internalise my feelings. I still remember recurring nightmares of dinosaurs destroying the city and setting my world on fire.

School Age

During my adolescent years, I continued moving from flat to flat then dorm to dorm every 1~2 years. I sent myself to boarding school in a foreign country half the world away in search of my place in life. We were in class from Monday to Saturday with mandatory after-school sports. I worked randomly on Sundays trying to earn some extra allowance by calling up school alumni and asking for their donations. I was involved in various clubs and served as President of some. I didn’t know better and followed in the footsteps of my workaholic and extremely determined father (whom I’m grateful for). I found art, psychoanalysis, spirituality and rave culture. I thought I found myself, but I was really lost.

Young Adulthood

My transition into adulthood started at university in New York. I pursued two degrees over a five-year programme, during which I worked 2~4 jobs, an internship, and also one apprenticeship. I got into a bike accident that left me unconscious in the middle of the road with a broken nose. Shortly after, I won a design competition and was flown to Italy for a week. My ego was flying and smack, it hit the floor. Repeat. I fell in love for the first time and experienced 3 heartbreaks thereafter. I moved from New York to San Francisco, ultimately ending up in Shanghai not knowing a single soul except for my then-new boyfriend who passed away in a car accident shortly after our breakup. As a fresh graduate, I started my entrepreneurial journey when I joined a new startup as a designer to running the company as their co-founder three months later and shutting down after one year. I joined a local corporate unicorn that crushed my soul. A colleague walked up to me one day and said, “你的心中毒了.” The direct translation means “your heart is poisoned,” but really, she meant my spirit died. I experienced a short-lived depression. I was lost and found.

Adult-ing

I moved from Shanghai back to Hong Kong still riding my fast-track career to “success” and burnt out numerous times over. I switched jobs every 1~2 years. I had an ectopic pregnancy where I was being monitored in the ER for seven days during covid. My then-live-in-boyfriend moved out abruptly, shortly after the incident. Both my grandmas passed away and my aunt lost her battle against cancer. I experienced loss after loss in my family. I started therapy trying to heal myself. I found myself and then, in a total state of bliss, almost drifted away to the South China Sea until a fishing boat came to the rescue. I experienced 3 heartbreaks but was also lucky enough to experience love again for the second time 8 years later only to realise I was in a dishonest relationship that made me feel unworthy. I started to hate myself and fell into depression, almost losing my life. I had to fire a handful of staff for someone else’s mistake before I was then axed from the team—I lost my job after opening up to my boss about my mental health challenges, seeking for help and compassion. I was lost and found many times over. 

Healing, compassion and transformation

The endless pursuit for meaning and answers started to make sense as I looked inwards. Being gentle and compassionate helped me own my deepest, darkest truth without letting it define me. Sometimes we need to take risks and fail so we can learn how to pick ourselves back up quicker each time (and how to avoid falling in the future). And when life throws you curve balls, you learn to hit them out the park. We are all works in progress but a sure masterpiece. So don’t forget, you’re always evolving.

We can accept and be grateful for life’s hardships as they shape us into stronger beings. We can learn to shift and rewire who we are when we truly see into the core of our being and become who we aspire to be. As for me, here are the things that have defined me, some of which I’m working through:

1. Home was never a fixed point in space but forged on the go;

2. Which led me on an endless pursuit of meaning, purpose, and self;

3. As a result, I developed a natural desire to seek out adventures and explore the far reaches of Earth.

4. In a way, I was subconsciously lost.

5. I learned to embrace chaos;

6. I attribute that largely to my codependency, which showed up in many aspects of my life: career, family and love;

7. And a lot of that was shaped by my upbringing in an East Asian culture of suppression, collective (conformed) thinking, and social harmony.

8. As a byproduct, I was a big people pleaser and didn’t know how to set healthy boundaries;

9. Which led me to feel resentment and burnout many times over.

We don’t need to feel ashamed about our past because that’s where we find our lessons. We don’t need to feel ashamed about who we are because every one of us is unique and special, and that’s what brings colour to this world. We don’t need to feel ashamed talking about our challenges because mental health is a serious issue and a silent pandemic that surrounds us every day. It affects how we think, feel, and act and affects every stage of life. We might be able to foster a better understanding of each other by talking openly about our challenges, and perhaps, this will help us charter towards a healthier and more sustainable path forward. We aren’t alone in this journey.

As for me, life has a new purpose: one of finding clarity and sustainable being. With that, I promise myself a lifelong practice of balance and intentional living. I’m excited to share that I am taking my first career break, and have recently embarked on my coaching journey where I hope to become my own best coach to help bring clarity into my own world and to those around me so that we can be the best versions of ourselves, wherever we go.

Today, I invite you to reflect on how you are showing up in this world. Open up to the lessons and grow with authenticity, because you only get one life, to be truly you.

Data from the World Health Organization