You’re worth it

Three months ago, I cut off a relationship that felt impossible to leave behind. Shortly after, I ran into this person at yoga and finished class by crying down the streets of Wan Chai all the way back to Soho (that’s a 40-minute stroll across Hong Kong).

I took this video (below) to remind myself just how low I felt and to never again allow anyone, especially me, to make me feel invaluable and undeserving.

It’s so easy to share our joy, happiness and success with the world. And it’s so easy to hyper-focus on the “good” that the world sometimes looks too perfect like Barbie Land. But part of being human is to feel fully. Just remember, you are damn worth it and never let anyone make you second guess yourself.

Only my closest confidants know that I tried to take my life last year. I’ve never felt that low. Yeah, it’s not something I’m proud of but I took a lot of lessons away from it. I’m grateful for the relationship because it was one of my greatest teaching moments. Life is too goddamn beautiful and precious to just give it all up, or maybe worse, squander it away.

It’s crazy because that felt like a lifetime ago. I like to think it’s because of how much I’ve grown and how I try to live each day as if it were my last. The rest of the footage was taken at the wedding of my dearest two friends one month after I cried down the streets. No drugs, no alcohol. Pure joy. We were celebrating love, something we need to cherish in a world that has become so cold.

Part of why I’m also sharing this is because I see so many people suffering and withdrawn. We’ve been conditioned to feel fine when we’re not. We don’t want to open up because we don’t want to feel vulnerable. Maybe that’s part of the problem. We think everyone is out to get us. But deep down, I think we all reach for love, not just in the romantic sense but as family, friends and community.

The day I cried down the streets, I ran into a friend who just held me in his arms for an incredibly long moment of silence. We didn’t speak much after and continued down our separate ways. That hug and presence was all I needed.

I hope we can learn to be more present and open with each other. We are species that love love. Go out there and live your life. Hug your loved ones. Hug a stranger. Connect with the greatness out there but don’t be taken advantage of. Love and be kind. ❤️

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It’s hard to show up sometimes

Hey, 
It’s okay you got angry. 
It’s okay you broke down and started pouring out tears. 
It’s okay you got moody and didn’t say thank you to the nice stranger.
It’s okay to fly through the entire spectrum of emotions all in one day. 

It’s okay to feel like an absolute wreck because life is just hard sometimes. Remember though, gems and treasures are usually found under the wreckage. So when life is like a stormy weather blowing you in every direction, know it’s okay to feel turbulent with pieces of you scattered all over. Let yourself break because it is from that broken place that we become whole.

So let yourself feel. Part of being human is to feel deeply. You aren’t a robot so stretch out your joints and let out a big sigh. Cry if you need to. Laugh if you need to. Honour your emotions by feeling them fully. Noticing and naming your feelings allow you to hold space for them to rise and release. So let yourself feel, feel fully from the deep wells of your heart.

Forgive yourself for being human and release any negative thoughts or emotions that don’t serve you in moving forward. Energy is here to be moved and released, otherwise, they become stagnant blockages stuck inside the body. Recognise where you can learn from your emotions, but don’t beat yourself up for being human. Don’t treat your emotions like they are bad problem childs. Treat them like opportunities.

Accept that there will be testing moments so pick yourself back up and try again next time. Nobody is perfect. And guess what? Nobody tells you enough that you are enough. Despite your best efforts, sometimes it’s plain hard to show up, and that’s okay. You’re not a failure. You are both a masterpiece and a work in progress. Every day is a practice and a step towards the right direction. 

So whenever you’re feeling low, remind yourself that it’s okay to feel bad. It’s okay to not be okay. Surrender to the world and go gently. Be compassionate with yourself - forgive and release. Sometimes you need to fall one step back in order to progress two steps forward. You’re never really descending, you’re just falling forwards.

We need more compassionate leaders

Leadership is about looking out for people and caring deeply. What you get in return is a lifetime of loyalty.

This doesn’t suggest that we start expecting returns on investment from our acts of kindness - not only because we can’t, but because it defeats the very genuine act itself. We must not do something for someone expecting anything in return, but we can start respecting and caring more deeply about each other knowing that we thrive better in symbiosis. But most importantly, be kind because everyone you meet is fighting their own war.

We face daily adversities that help keep us in check. They could be challenges from leakage in the house, a heatwave in a city that lacks the infrastructure to help you cope with extreme weather, the loss of a loved one, rehab from a tough surgery, someone spilling hot coffee all over you before a big presentation or simply from a bad day - we are all battling our own war. It is only human to feel and this is when we need a little more understanding from those around us. 

Others struggle with a much larger battle - people who look happy on the outside may be wrestling with mental illness that is slowly eating them from the inside out. Anxiety and depression don’t always show up as deep anger or sadness. Many people with mental illnesses are highly functioning, but it can easily take another person’s action to hurl them into the deepest dark where it can be hard to see the light.

We must tread lightly because hearts are fragile, some more than others. No matter what war we’re fighting, we need compassion and understanding because every life is precious so we ought to treat it with respect and dignity as we would hope to be treated ourselves. I share some of my personal anecdotes with the hopes of helping other leaders understand the kind of influence that they can have on someone else’s life, and why it’s ever so critical now to extend our hearts during this difficult time of the collective human struggle.

Anecdote study #1 - poor leadership is leaving you with no choice

There was a time I went back to work for a company where I had many painful but fond memories. Even to this day, I think most fondly of this place. This was a place where anybody could thrive but you had to go to battle. Because we all went to battle as a team, there was a deep sense of camaraderie and you developed some of the closest relationships.

I rejoined during a time of grief and suffering. The death of my grandmother is just a subplot in this story. I was dealing with the trauma of an ectopic pregnancy where I was in the emergency room for seven days during the pandemic. I wasn’t allowed many visitors so there I was feeling incredibly alone. Soon after I left the hospital, my boyfriend who had just moved in with me, packed up his bags and left.

I was asked to take over an urgent project outside of my new scope in a department I no longer served. It would demand all of my evenings and weekends to launch a project with such an aggressive timeline. My body kept resisting. I finally confided with my peers in management and a confidant in the C-Suite. They respectfully listened, but I was given no choice but to take on the project and so I resigned. 

I often feel judged for going back to a company only to leave again shortly after, especially when speaking with hiring managers and Human Resources who don’t seem to care to know the real story.

Anecdote study #2 - poor leadership is abandoning you in your darkest hour

There was a time when I was struggling with a personal relationship and the depression that followed; I felt so unworthy I even purchased a support book on self-hatred because that was all I could feel for myself. At work, I was faced with weekly cries that kept growing - everyone was feeling stretched and frustrated. My biggest headache was dealing with a chronically indecisive and forgetful boss who wanted to incubate more babies than we could feed and nourish. I finally opened up to him about my struggles hoping for support in finding a solution together. Two weeks later, I was axed.

During my time at the company, our stock prices reached their highest record. I saved the company from further losses in a business that never saw profit in the years since it was acquired. I had built a team that was able to execute faster with higher quality. When you’ve dedicated your life to turning around a sinking ship and they abandon you when you are sinking yourself, the experience leaves you with a deep psychological scar. 

Great leadership means allowing people to express themselves and recognising the needs of people while finding ways to support them in pursuing both their personal and professional goals and improving their performance in and out of the workplace.

Learning from my own experiences in leadership

My early days in management were a lot of trial and error. I was friends with a peer at work who wanted a full-time position but was concerned about her work-life balance. I tried to be realistic that this place was no slice of cake, but the journey can be rewarding and satisfying. She decided she wanted the job so I secured a role for her. Soon after, I became her manager and our relationship changed forever. I became frustrated that she wasn’t working as hard as me and I became resentful of catching error after error in a place where I valued image over the human experience. I lost a friendship and she later resigned.

My later years in management threw a different beast in my face. I went from a culture of speed and rising stars that needed less coaching to a culture that moved at a slower pace with a workforce that needed more initiation. The hardest call I ever received was from my boss during my first month; he raised concerns that had been circulating around the team. My loud and passionate personality clashed with the quieter team members who found me too fast and aggressive.

“People don’t care how much you know – until they know how much you care.” – Theodore Roosevelt

My ego was destroyed. I only had the best of intentions and it was hard to see why people were complaining about me when they didn’t even know me. I just cried, but it broke me down to become a better leader. It was a radically honest conversation that needed to be had. The next day, I scheduled a one-on-one meeting with each team lead offering my apology and listening to their side of the story. More importantly, I wanted to get to know each individual and learn how we can thrive together. That changed our relationship forever and we grew as a team. When I was eventually leaving the company, they invited me out for lunch and everyone showed up. I will always remember this experience with deep gratitude for their second chance and the opportunity to learn and grow.

The cost of compassion can either kill or save someone’s life

I’ve gone to battle for companies where I thought I was making a positive difference. These sacrifices seem worthless in the end when you realise how dispensable you are, but people would likely go the extra mile if they felt mutual trust and respect in the workplace. Poor leadership affects your company’s culture and brand. The cost of fixing your image is probably worth more than the investment behind the humans in the workplace and it chips away at your own organisation’s potential. 

But this is not the point. The cost of compassion can either kill or save someone’s life. On a hike last week, a friend opened up to me about the impact of suicide on his life. Two of his dear friends took their own lives last year. On my recent ayahuasca journey, I met a police officer who shared horror stories from her patrol days - at least one suicide case per week during the pandemic. One story I’ll never forget - she walked into the home of a single mother and there her daughter, a young teenager was hanging from the ceiling.

An estimated 703,000 people worldwide die by suicide each year.* One in every 100 deaths was the result of suicide in 2019.* Individuals suffering from depression are 20x more likely to die by suicide than someone without a mental health condition.** We are witnesses to a gruesome reality where someone takes their own life every 40 seconds.* But, we are also participants in this reality.

I’m not suggesting that you are responsible for someone else’s life, no. We are all responsible for our own life. But how you show up for others can hugely affect the way they show up in return, and some never come back. Kindness goes a long way because that trickles through an entire culture and penetrates deeply in the body.

* World Health Organisation 
** Ferrari AJ, et al. PIOS One. 2014 Apr 2:9(4):e91936

Healing our path to mental health

One in eight people around the world suffers from a mental health condition. Depression and anxiety rose by 25% worldwide during the first year of covid. Since the pandemic three years ago, I embarked on a deep journey with myself that started with therapy. I share the story of this girl’s journey to bring mental health into the spotlight with hopes of inspiring people towards healing so that we can bring our best and authentic selves to work, home and everything in between. 

Life so far today

Infancy & Childhood

The moment I was born, life was always on the go. I lived in 3 countries, moved every 2 years and changed schools 3 times. Stability and stillness were foreign ideas from the start. Teachers used to hit me and publicly shame me because my nails were too long. In those early years as language skills were still in development, I lacked the vocabulary and tools to help manage my emotions, and so, I started to internalise my feelings. I still remember recurring nightmares of dinosaurs destroying the city and setting my world on fire.

School Age

During my adolescent years, I continued moving from flat to flat then dorm to dorm every 1~2 years. I sent myself to boarding school in a foreign country half the world away in search of my place in life. We were in class from Monday to Saturday with mandatory after-school sports. I worked randomly on Sundays trying to earn some extra allowance by calling up school alumni and asking for their donations. I was involved in various clubs and served as President of some. I didn’t know better and followed in the footsteps of my workaholic and extremely determined father (whom I’m grateful for). I found art, psychoanalysis, spirituality and rave culture. I thought I found myself, but I was really lost.

Young Adulthood

My transition into adulthood started at university in New York. I pursued two degrees over a five-year programme, during which I worked 2~4 jobs, an internship, and also one apprenticeship. I got into a bike accident that left me unconscious in the middle of the road with a broken nose. Shortly after, I won a design competition and was flown to Italy for a week. My ego was flying and smack, it hit the floor. Repeat. I fell in love for the first time and experienced 3 heartbreaks thereafter. I moved from New York to San Francisco, ultimately ending up in Shanghai not knowing a single soul except for my then-new boyfriend who passed away in a car accident shortly after our breakup. As a fresh graduate, I started my entrepreneurial journey when I joined a new startup as a designer to running the company as their co-founder three months later and shutting down after one year. I joined a local corporate unicorn that crushed my soul. A colleague walked up to me one day and said, “你的心中毒了.” The direct translation means “your heart is poisoned,” but really, she meant my spirit died. I experienced a short-lived depression. I was lost and found.

Adult-ing

I moved from Shanghai back to Hong Kong still riding my fast-track career to “success” and burnt out numerous times over. I switched jobs every 1~2 years. I had an ectopic pregnancy where I was being monitored in the ER for seven days during covid. My then-live-in-boyfriend moved out abruptly, shortly after the incident. Both my grandmas passed away and my aunt lost her battle against cancer. I experienced loss after loss in my family. I started therapy trying to heal myself. I found myself and then, in a total state of bliss, almost drifted away to the South China Sea until a fishing boat came to the rescue. I experienced 3 heartbreaks but was also lucky enough to experience love again for the second time 8 years later only to realise I was in a dishonest relationship that made me feel unworthy. I started to hate myself and fell into depression, almost losing my life. I had to fire a handful of staff for someone else’s mistake before I was then axed from the team—I lost my job after opening up to my boss about my mental health challenges, seeking for help and compassion. I was lost and found many times over. 

Healing, compassion and transformation

The endless pursuit for meaning and answers started to make sense as I looked inwards. Being gentle and compassionate helped me own my deepest, darkest truth without letting it define me. Sometimes we need to take risks and fail so we can learn how to pick ourselves back up quicker each time (and how to avoid falling in the future). And when life throws you curve balls, you learn to hit them out the park. We are all works in progress but a sure masterpiece. So don’t forget, you’re always evolving.

We can accept and be grateful for life’s hardships as they shape us into stronger beings. We can learn to shift and rewire who we are when we truly see into the core of our being and become who we aspire to be. As for me, here are the things that have defined me, some of which I’m working through:

1. Home was never a fixed point in space but forged on the go;

2. Which led me on an endless pursuit of meaning, purpose, and self;

3. As a result, I developed a natural desire to seek out adventures and explore the far reaches of Earth.

4. In a way, I was subconsciously lost.

5. I learned to embrace chaos;

6. I attribute that largely to my codependency, which showed up in many aspects of my life: career, family and love;

7. And a lot of that was shaped by my upbringing in an East Asian culture of suppression, collective (conformed) thinking, and social harmony.

8. As a byproduct, I was a big people pleaser and didn’t know how to set healthy boundaries;

9. Which led me to feel resentment and burnout many times over.

We don’t need to feel ashamed about our past because that’s where we find our lessons. We don’t need to feel ashamed about who we are because every one of us is unique and special, and that’s what brings colour to this world. We don’t need to feel ashamed talking about our challenges because mental health is a serious issue and a silent pandemic that surrounds us every day. It affects how we think, feel, and act and affects every stage of life. We might be able to foster a better understanding of each other by talking openly about our challenges, and perhaps, this will help us charter towards a healthier and more sustainable path forward. We aren’t alone in this journey.

As for me, life has a new purpose: one of finding clarity and sustainable being. With that, I promise myself a lifelong practice of balance and intentional living. I’m excited to share that I am taking my first career break, and have recently embarked on my coaching journey where I hope to become my own best coach to help bring clarity into my own world and to those around me so that we can be the best versions of ourselves, wherever we go.

Today, I invite you to reflect on how you are showing up in this world. Open up to the lessons and grow with authenticity, because you only get one life, to be truly you.

Data from the World Health Organization