Thank You

I am only here
because of where life has led me.
I’ve been blessed with many teachers
and the lessons they have taught me.

I don’t blame you for running away
when things got complicated.

I don’t blame you for cheating
when you were still healing
from your childhood trauma.

I don’t blame you for lying
because I couldn’t stick to my own boundaries.

I don’t blame you for the manipulation
because that was the only way 
we knew to survive.

I don’t blame you for my depression
because I ignored all the red flags.

Thank you for teaching me
the role I played in all of this mess.
Thank you for showing me
all the colours that I am.
Thank you for helping me break
the cycle of my own generational mess.

Thank you for being the best version
of yourself that you could be, 
and for making me grow
into the best version that I can be.

Thank you for showing me
my true inner strength,
and for being my greatest teacher
in this beautiful journey called life.

To all my greatest teachers,
I will always cherish
our moments spent together.

Belonging

Attachment is just a need to belong.
When we strip away the layers of our conditioning,
like peeling away the layers of an onion,
we reveal the nature of our true Self.
So therein lies the problem itself,
the grasping of the delusional mind—
a collection of patterns and limiting beliefs
in the physical form of the avatar that is us.
When we detach from the sense of our false Self, 
we reach the core essence of our true being,
our being as nature,
where we have always belonged.

Slow down to speed up

The only constant is change, and sometimes, we need to slow down to focus on our growth as individuals. The more we try to rush through the process, the messier our road to transformation and the more we may need to course-correct our path. 

Major changes that happen within ourselves require us to step off the gas pedal and create space for awareness and attention to rise to our inner world in order for us to process internal transformation and external actualisation. Turning inward to fully embody our most authentic expression to gain clarity on what we genuinely seek allows us to move forward into what we are being called upon to manifest.

The story of the tortoise and hare illustrates the kind of success that comes to those with relentless dedication and steady pacing rather than those with quick and careless strokes. It’s so easy to get caught up in expectations and temporary pleasures that we’re spiralling towards self-destruction. We’re just chasing money, power and success, and frenzied over this addiction to faster living and instant gratification that we have forgotten the important lessons woven into our classic bedtime stories. Moving fast can cause us to suffer, along with our sense of self, well-being and happiness. 

Sometimes we need to pace the speed of our work and slow down for moments of deeper dialogue and understanding before speeding up. When we set our intention towards the outcomes we want to emerge, we will have greater control and focus over our work as a whole because that’s the law of attention - where attention goes, energy flows.

How often have you heard a trainer say, "Stop rushing through the exercises?". How many encouraged you to slow down and break apart each movement until you understood and practised the sequence to perfection?

Clarity comes from our willingness to slow down to look at what’s happening and listen to what’s truly important. It’s the gift of time that allows us to reconnect with ourselves, figure out our goals, embrace the moment to try new things, learn a new skill and evolve our identity. Through presence and awareness, our capacity grows in abundance.

“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” - Lao Tzu

The art of letting go

Change requires us to venture into unknown territory that usually comes with doubt, fear and uncertainty. But if we allow ourselves to surrender, we open up space to be more present, bringing a peace of mind and clarity that helps us navigate through the dark and bloom into the light. 

I wanted to take a stroll down memory lane as a way to remind myself how liberating it is to let go and empower myself to release the last few strands that I’ve been clinging onto. I hope this resonates with those who are also feeling stuck and serves as an inspiration for us to live more freely.

My first meeting with Death

Two years ago, I blissfully drifted out to the South China Sea. A yacht that sped past abruptly stopped and coursed its way back. The crew and guests onboard worried I was adrift and needed help. Completely oblivious to the changing weather, I dismissed their help and insisted on paddling myself back to the distant land where I had set camp. They reluctantly left, and at that moment, I woke up to my reality: a storm was coming through. I started to paddle.

No matter how fast or slow I went, I couldn’t compete with the moving currents. I abandoned my floaty and tried to swim only to exhaust myself after swallowing mouthfuls of the ocean. I retreated to my float realising that I was adrift (and likely to reach the Philippines in seven days if the currents continued moving in the same direction).

I’ve been practising equanimity, knowing any attempt to cling onto life (i.e. to hold onto our attachments) would only lead to anxiety and suffering. So I slowed my breath, accepting death with each exhalation and easing into my "Cast Away” experience with each inhalation. Then, in the moment of acceptance, out of the blue, a local fishing boat appeared and I wavered my arms and screamed for all the hope in my lungs. After what felt like an eternity, a woman emerged out of the ship’s quarters and caught sight of my desperate call. Her husband retrieved me out of the ocean and they took me back to the beach from where I came. 

Surrendering the body

During a recent breath retreat in Costa Rica, I experienced an unforgettable out-of-body encounter where I felt my spirit leaving the body. There was no clock or timer, just my breath calibrating the mind, body and soul into the frequency of the music guiding us through our breathwork. It happened to be quite an emotional journey where I could feel a lot of deep-rooted pain and suffering rise up and out—it felt so liberating.

I felt so light like a feather drifting upwards towards the clouds. I felt my entire physical existence evaporate into the universe when “Hymn To The Soul” came on and it was in this liberated space where I managed to hold my breath for the entirety of the song (5 minutes and 39 seconds), breaking the longest breath retention record I’ve ever held. I have been practising breathwork for the past two years but I’ve never been able to push past a two-minute breath hold; it was the act of surrendering that allowed me to become unbounded and untethered to the physical body in this three-dimensional world and experience the transcendental state of pure consciousness.

The power of letting go

The art of surrendering is an active process of leaning into our fears. A true master of the art knows to let go of attachments (an idea, identity, belief, feeling and object) that keep a person held back. It is in that space where we surrender, something beautiful happens. A gentle force awakens that allows us to tune into the natural rhythm of the universe and thrive with more peace and happiness. We become liberated to make conscious choices that bring us closer to the things that align with our true inner compass.

With those thoughts, I leave you to ponder further with Alan Watts’ “Falling Into Love”:

Well now really when we go back into falling in love. And say, it's crazy. Falling. You see? We don't say "rising into love". There is in it, the idea of the fall. And it goes back, as a matter of fact, to extremely fundamental things. That there is always a curious tie at some point between the fall and the creation. Taking this ghastly risk is the condition of there being life. You see, for all life is an act of faith and an act of gamble.

The moment you take a step, you do so on an act of faith because you don't really know that the floor's not going to give under your feet. The moment you take a journey, what an act of faith. The moment that you enter into any kind of human undertaking in relationship, what an act of faith. See, you've given yourself up. But this is the most powerful thing that can be done: surrender. 

See. And love is an act of surrender to another person. Total abandonment. I give myself to you. Take me. Do anything you like with me. See. So, that's quite mad because you see, it's letting things get out of control. All sensible people keep things in control. Watch it, watch it, watch it. Security? Vigilance Watch it. Police? Watch it. Guards? Watch it. Who's going to watch the guards? So, actually, therefore, the course of wisdom, what is really sensible, is to let go, is to commit oneself, to give oneself up and that's quite mad. So we come to the strange conclusion that in madness lies sanity.

---

The album from my Cast Away experience

Me on my float roughly 20 minutes before the yacht passed and I realised I was adrift.

Roughly where I drifted.

It’s hard to show up sometimes

Hey, 
It’s okay you got angry. 
It’s okay you broke down and started pouring out tears. 
It’s okay you got moody and didn’t say thank you to the nice stranger.
It’s okay to fly through the entire spectrum of emotions all in one day. 

It’s okay to feel like an absolute wreck because life is just hard sometimes. Remember though, gems and treasures are usually found under the wreckage. So when life is like a stormy weather blowing you in every direction, know it’s okay to feel turbulent with pieces of you scattered all over. Let yourself break because it is from that broken place that we become whole.

So let yourself feel. Part of being human is to feel deeply. You aren’t a robot so stretch out your joints and let out a big sigh. Cry if you need to. Laugh if you need to. Honour your emotions by feeling them fully. Noticing and naming your feelings allow you to hold space for them to rise and release. So let yourself feel, feel fully from the deep wells of your heart.

Forgive yourself for being human and release any negative thoughts or emotions that don’t serve you in moving forward. Energy is here to be moved and released, otherwise, they become stagnant blockages stuck inside the body. Recognise where you can learn from your emotions, but don’t beat yourself up for being human. Don’t treat your emotions like they are bad problem childs. Treat them like opportunities.

Accept that there will be testing moments so pick yourself back up and try again next time. Nobody is perfect. And guess what? Nobody tells you enough that you are enough. Despite your best efforts, sometimes it’s plain hard to show up, and that’s okay. You’re not a failure. You are both a masterpiece and a work in progress. Every day is a practice and a step towards the right direction. 

So whenever you’re feeling low, remind yourself that it’s okay to feel bad. It’s okay to not be okay. Surrender to the world and go gently. Be compassionate with yourself - forgive and release. Sometimes you need to fall one step back in order to progress two steps forward. You’re never really descending, you’re just falling forwards.

We need more compassionate leaders

Leadership is about looking out for people and caring deeply. What you get in return is a lifetime of loyalty.

This doesn’t suggest that we start expecting returns on investment from our acts of kindness - not only because we can’t, but because it defeats the very genuine act itself. We must not do something for someone expecting anything in return, but we can start respecting and caring more deeply about each other knowing that we thrive better in symbiosis. But most importantly, be kind because everyone you meet is fighting their own war.

We face daily adversities that help keep us in check. They could be challenges from leakage in the house, a heatwave in a city that lacks the infrastructure to help you cope with extreme weather, the loss of a loved one, rehab from a tough surgery, someone spilling hot coffee all over you before a big presentation or simply from a bad day - we are all battling our own war. It is only human to feel and this is when we need a little more understanding from those around us. 

Others struggle with a much larger battle - people who look happy on the outside may be wrestling with mental illness that is slowly eating them from the inside out. Anxiety and depression don’t always show up as deep anger or sadness. Many people with mental illnesses are highly functioning, but it can easily take another person’s action to hurl them into the deepest dark where it can be hard to see the light.

We must tread lightly because hearts are fragile, some more than others. No matter what war we’re fighting, we need compassion and understanding because every life is precious so we ought to treat it with respect and dignity as we would hope to be treated ourselves. I share some of my personal anecdotes with the hopes of helping other leaders understand the kind of influence that they can have on someone else’s life, and why it’s ever so critical now to extend our hearts during this difficult time of the collective human struggle.

Anecdote study #1 - poor leadership is leaving you with no choice

There was a time I went back to work for a company where I had many painful but fond memories. Even to this day, I think most fondly of this place. This was a place where anybody could thrive but you had to go to battle. Because we all went to battle as a team, there was a deep sense of camaraderie and you developed some of the closest relationships.

I rejoined during a time of grief and suffering. The death of my grandmother is just a subplot in this story. I was dealing with the trauma of an ectopic pregnancy where I was in the emergency room for seven days during the pandemic. I wasn’t allowed many visitors so there I was feeling incredibly alone. Soon after I left the hospital, my boyfriend who had just moved in with me, packed up his bags and left.

I was asked to take over an urgent project outside of my new scope in a department I no longer served. It would demand all of my evenings and weekends to launch a project with such an aggressive timeline. My body kept resisting. I finally confided with my peers in management and a confidant in the C-Suite. They respectfully listened, but I was given no choice but to take on the project and so I resigned. 

I often feel judged for going back to a company only to leave again shortly after, especially when speaking with hiring managers and Human Resources who don’t seem to care to know the real story.

Anecdote study #2 - poor leadership is abandoning you in your darkest hour

There was a time when I was struggling with a personal relationship and the depression that followed; I felt so unworthy I even purchased a support book on self-hatred because that was all I could feel for myself. At work, I was faced with weekly cries that kept growing - everyone was feeling stretched and frustrated. My biggest headache was dealing with a chronically indecisive and forgetful boss who wanted to incubate more babies than we could feed and nourish. I finally opened up to him about my struggles hoping for support in finding a solution together. Two weeks later, I was axed.

During my time at the company, our stock prices reached their highest record. I saved the company from further losses in a business that never saw profit in the years since it was acquired. I had built a team that was able to execute faster with higher quality. When you’ve dedicated your life to turning around a sinking ship and they abandon you when you are sinking yourself, the experience leaves you with a deep psychological scar. 

Great leadership means allowing people to express themselves and recognising the needs of people while finding ways to support them in pursuing both their personal and professional goals and improving their performance in and out of the workplace.

Learning from my own experiences in leadership

My early days in management were a lot of trial and error. I was friends with a peer at work who wanted a full-time position but was concerned about her work-life balance. I tried to be realistic that this place was no slice of cake, but the journey can be rewarding and satisfying. She decided she wanted the job so I secured a role for her. Soon after, I became her manager and our relationship changed forever. I became frustrated that she wasn’t working as hard as me and I became resentful of catching error after error in a place where I valued image over the human experience. I lost a friendship and she later resigned.

My later years in management threw a different beast in my face. I went from a culture of speed and rising stars that needed less coaching to a culture that moved at a slower pace with a workforce that needed more initiation. The hardest call I ever received was from my boss during my first month; he raised concerns that had been circulating around the team. My loud and passionate personality clashed with the quieter team members who found me too fast and aggressive.

“People don’t care how much you know – until they know how much you care.” – Theodore Roosevelt

My ego was destroyed. I only had the best of intentions and it was hard to see why people were complaining about me when they didn’t even know me. I just cried, but it broke me down to become a better leader. It was a radically honest conversation that needed to be had. The next day, I scheduled a one-on-one meeting with each team lead offering my apology and listening to their side of the story. More importantly, I wanted to get to know each individual and learn how we can thrive together. That changed our relationship forever and we grew as a team. When I was eventually leaving the company, they invited me out for lunch and everyone showed up. I will always remember this experience with deep gratitude for their second chance and the opportunity to learn and grow.

The cost of compassion can either kill or save someone’s life

I’ve gone to battle for companies where I thought I was making a positive difference. These sacrifices seem worthless in the end when you realise how dispensable you are, but people would likely go the extra mile if they felt mutual trust and respect in the workplace. Poor leadership affects your company’s culture and brand. The cost of fixing your image is probably worth more than the investment behind the humans in the workplace and it chips away at your own organisation’s potential. 

But this is not the point. The cost of compassion can either kill or save someone’s life. On a hike last week, a friend opened up to me about the impact of suicide on his life. Two of his dear friends took their own lives last year. On my recent ayahuasca journey, I met a police officer who shared horror stories from her patrol days - at least one suicide case per week during the pandemic. One story I’ll never forget - she walked into the home of a single mother and there her daughter, a young teenager was hanging from the ceiling.

An estimated 703,000 people worldwide die by suicide each year.* One in every 100 deaths was the result of suicide in 2019.* Individuals suffering from depression are 20x more likely to die by suicide than someone without a mental health condition.** We are witnesses to a gruesome reality where someone takes their own life every 40 seconds.* But, we are also participants in this reality.

I’m not suggesting that you are responsible for someone else’s life, no. We are all responsible for our own life. But how you show up for others can hugely affect the way they show up in return, and some never come back. Kindness goes a long way because that trickles through an entire culture and penetrates deeply in the body.

* World Health Organisation 
** Ferrari AJ, et al. PIOS One. 2014 Apr 2:9(4):e91936

Are you happy?

Being yourself is the greatest gift you can give to the world. You only get one life so make every moment count. And if it’s not making you happy then it’s keeping you stuck.

We live in a world that moves so fast, and often to the rhythm of other people’s beats. We are rarely encouraged to slow down, feel and process - especially in the workplace. Some of us will even drink from the firehose that gladly keeps pumping while it reaps the benefits from those who keep chugging. Because we’re always chugging, we don’t have the time to slow down and ask ourselves the important questions that matter:

1. What is happening in your life right now?

2. How do you feel about it?

Think about these questions one at a time before you jump to a response, one at a time. Find a quiet space where you are alone and take a few mindful breaths. Reflect deeply through the process of writing, and be honest because you only need to answer to yourself.

Honesty takes courage, even if the truth is painful. Choose courage over comfort and lean into the fear because that is where you’ll find yourself. So find the courage to go within and embrace the journey. Trust the process because things are about to get magical. ✨

📷 @lesliedwight 

The meaning of life

Maybe the meaning of life is to live your life so authentically that you don’t even know you’re dead. You don’t know because you’re not actually dead. You never left because your spirit lives on forever, and you are the full embodiment of bliss and oneness living in a total state of harmony with yourself and the universe.

A theory of love

During one of my Ayahuasca ceremonies, I saw a little girl crying in the forest. She was alone and lost—lost in all aspects of that word. That child was me. I went into the forest and held that child telling her everything is okay and that everything will be okay. Then I took her hands, and together, we walked out of the forest.

One moment you think you’re healed, and in the next, you find yourself trying to surf the excruciating waves of emotion. The pain, anger, resentment, sadness, anxiety, isolation and all that suffering was the darkest shadow that ever clouded my head; it felt like dark matter creating life in this universe, and it took me back to a distant memory where a guide once told me to lean into the edge and conquer my fears. In that moment as I surrendered myself to the dark, I started radiating from within. I was glowing in the golden light of warmth and love; it was the heart guiding me back home to myself.

Our journey in the school of life seldom follows a linear path. We meander through unforeseen bends and encounter tempestuous storms for the universe persistently tests us with assignments that require deep and sometimes painful work that when embraced, can foster personal evolution from adversities—no one ever told us that growing up. Yet Mama Ayahuasca emerges as a wise mentor—both a harsh and loving mirror revealing the facets of ourselves ripe for growth and expansion. Through her unconditional love, she illuminates our journey through the shadows.

Joy and love, though often intertwined, are not interchangeable concepts. Love, however, is intrinsically linked to growth. Through each successive ceremony, you cultivate the ability to hold a sacred space for yourself as emotions rise up and out, spiralling forth from the deep wells of the heart. When you learn to sit with your emotions, you are holding space for that part of you to be expressed, to be seen, to be heard, and to be just as you are in this world. It's a journey of self-love unlike any other, for the responsibility for our emotional well-being rests ultimately upon our own shoulders.

When you allow the breath to emanate from a deeper place within your body, clarity rises and magic takes shape. The universe unfurls a world of endless possibilities as you surrender wholeheartedly. You become weightless, poised to ascend and glide with greater ease and grace in this world. Embracing this journey empowers you to conquer your shadows, live more fearlessly, and reign over your world unapologetically. You stand as your own statue, resilient and towering, a bastion against life's stormy weather, while serving as your north star to guide and align your soul's purpose. When you immerse your total being in love, you vibrate at a higher frequency that goes out into the universe, giving birth to life.

Healing our path to mental health

One in eight people around the world suffers from a mental health condition. Depression and anxiety rose by 25% worldwide during the first year of covid. Since the pandemic three years ago, I embarked on a deep journey with myself that started with therapy. I share the story of this girl’s journey to bring mental health into the spotlight with hopes of inspiring people towards healing so that we can bring our best and authentic selves to work, home and everything in between. 

Life so far today

Infancy & Childhood

The moment I was born, life was always on the go. I lived in 3 countries, moved every 2 years and changed schools 3 times. Stability and stillness were foreign ideas from the start. Teachers used to hit me and publicly shame me because my nails were too long. In those early years as language skills were still in development, I lacked the vocabulary and tools to help manage my emotions, and so, I started to internalise my feelings. I still remember recurring nightmares of dinosaurs destroying the city and setting my world on fire.

School Age

During my adolescent years, I continued moving from flat to flat then dorm to dorm every 1~2 years. I sent myself to boarding school in a foreign country half the world away in search of my place in life. We were in class from Monday to Saturday with mandatory after-school sports. I worked randomly on Sundays trying to earn some extra allowance by calling up school alumni and asking for their donations. I was involved in various clubs and served as President of some. I didn’t know better and followed in the footsteps of my workaholic and extremely determined father (whom I’m grateful for). I found art, psychoanalysis, spirituality and rave culture. I thought I found myself, but I was really lost.

Young Adulthood

My transition into adulthood started at university in New York. I pursued two degrees over a five-year programme, during which I worked 2~4 jobs, an internship, and also one apprenticeship. I got into a bike accident that left me unconscious in the middle of the road with a broken nose. Shortly after, I won a design competition and was flown to Italy for a week. My ego was flying and smack, it hit the floor. Repeat. I fell in love for the first time and experienced 3 heartbreaks thereafter. I moved from New York to San Francisco, ultimately ending up in Shanghai not knowing a single soul except for my then-new boyfriend who passed away in a car accident shortly after our breakup. As a fresh graduate, I started my entrepreneurial journey when I joined a new startup as a designer to running the company as their co-founder three months later and shutting down after one year. I joined a local corporate unicorn that crushed my soul. A colleague walked up to me one day and said, “你的心中毒了.” The direct translation means “your heart is poisoned,” but really, she meant my spirit died. I experienced a short-lived depression. I was lost and found.

Adult-ing

I moved from Shanghai back to Hong Kong still riding my fast-track career to “success” and burnt out numerous times over. I switched jobs every 1~2 years. I had an ectopic pregnancy where I was being monitored in the ER for seven days during covid. My then-live-in-boyfriend moved out abruptly, shortly after the incident. Both my grandmas passed away and my aunt lost her battle against cancer. I experienced loss after loss in my family. I started therapy trying to heal myself. I found myself and then, in a total state of bliss, almost drifted away to the South China Sea until a fishing boat came to the rescue. I experienced 3 heartbreaks but was also lucky enough to experience love again for the second time 8 years later only to realise I was in a dishonest relationship that made me feel unworthy. I started to hate myself and fell into depression, almost losing my life. I had to fire a handful of staff for someone else’s mistake before I was then axed from the team—I lost my job after opening up to my boss about my mental health challenges, seeking for help and compassion. I was lost and found many times over. 

Healing, compassion and transformation

The endless pursuit for meaning and answers started to make sense as I looked inwards. Being gentle and compassionate helped me own my deepest, darkest truth without letting it define me. Sometimes we need to take risks and fail so we can learn how to pick ourselves back up quicker each time (and how to avoid falling in the future). And when life throws you curve balls, you learn to hit them out the park. We are all works in progress but a sure masterpiece. So don’t forget, you’re always evolving.

We can accept and be grateful for life’s hardships as they shape us into stronger beings. We can learn to shift and rewire who we are when we truly see into the core of our being and become who we aspire to be. As for me, here are the things that have defined me, some of which I’m working through:

1. Home was never a fixed point in space but forged on the go;

2. Which led me on an endless pursuit of meaning, purpose, and self;

3. As a result, I developed a natural desire to seek out adventures and explore the far reaches of Earth.

4. In a way, I was subconsciously lost.

5. I learned to embrace chaos;

6. I attribute that largely to my codependency, which showed up in many aspects of my life: career, family and love;

7. And a lot of that was shaped by my upbringing in an East Asian culture of suppression, collective (conformed) thinking, and social harmony.

8. As a byproduct, I was a big people pleaser and didn’t know how to set healthy boundaries;

9. Which led me to feel resentment and burnout many times over.

We don’t need to feel ashamed about our past because that’s where we find our lessons. We don’t need to feel ashamed about who we are because every one of us is unique and special, and that’s what brings colour to this world. We don’t need to feel ashamed talking about our challenges because mental health is a serious issue and a silent pandemic that surrounds us every day. It affects how we think, feel, and act and affects every stage of life. We might be able to foster a better understanding of each other by talking openly about our challenges, and perhaps, this will help us charter towards a healthier and more sustainable path forward. We aren’t alone in this journey.

As for me, life has a new purpose: one of finding clarity and sustainable being. With that, I promise myself a lifelong practice of balance and intentional living. I’m excited to share that I am taking my first career break, and have recently embarked on my coaching journey where I hope to become my own best coach to help bring clarity into my own world and to those around me so that we can be the best versions of ourselves, wherever we go.

Today, I invite you to reflect on how you are showing up in this world. Open up to the lessons and grow with authenticity, because you only get one life, to be truly you.

Data from the World Health Organization