Ego vs Soul: listen to your gut
I dedicate this post to my little sister.
It’s easy to follow the path most travelled and conform to the prescripted template of modern society. But if we walk the unconscious path ignoring our intuition, we inflict self-harm and sabotage our own happiness. Burnout manifests, as a result, in our negligence for ourselves and our health (physical, social, mental, emotional and spiritual). It’s a global phenomenon that needs no introduction - burnout is at an all-time high.
There are many reasons why people suffer from burnout. Whether the stress is due to unrealistic expectations, being in a toxic environment, a lack of boundaries or not having tools to manage negative emotions, burnout boils down to one single culprit: the work we’re doing doesn’t lead us to the path of self-actualisation. It manifests when we’re not in alignment with our mind, body and soul. That’s why passion can also lead to burnout. The idea of choosing a job you love so you never have to work a day in your life encourages the dysfunctional idea that you should do more of what you love, even if it kills you.
When we are in situations that don’t work for us, our body sends the fight or flight response and our nervous system triggers distress signals to help us understand when something is in misalignment. Unlike the five senses focused on the visceral experience of the physical plane, our intuition gives us the capacity to pick up on energies and cues, to feel what our gut tells us, and to trust our inner compass. Our intuition is a subtle yet highly refined sixth sense that we can easily tap into and recognise when we are in touch with the embodied self, but to ignore it is to betray and deny our own existence.
I’ve been foolish many times when I ignored all the signs. Even though I knew something was wrong, I pushed on with my ego. I feel compelled to share my story after learning about someone close to my heart living with chronic depression, and a few days later, learning about a friend who was at the hospital for a potentially life-threatening condition that is linked to eczema.
I have battled three episodes of eczema during the past 10 years. Every single episode has been linked to stress and a poor lifestyle. While we all have certain genetic predispositions, they only contribute to roughly 20~30% of your overall makeup. There’s a saying that genes load the gun and the environment pulls the trigger because our genetic characteristics aren’t written in stone. Genes can be turned on or off based on our lifestyle choices.
I took my health for granted because I’ve always been pretty invincible growing up—or at least, I felt invincible—thanks to a healthy Asian diet and an active upbringing. It wasn’t until my first career burnout in 2016 that led me down a pursuit of health. I returned to yoga, and through a friend, was introduced to the world of martial arts. I left my first startup and went corporate.
Corporate life at the Chinese conglomerate crushed my soul. I developed my second case of eczema and went through a brief episode of depression. My first case of eczema appeared during my university days - I was extremely passionate and dedicated at the time. I thought I was happy, but I was exhausted from working three part-time jobs while studying for two different degrees (and design school is extremely demanding).
In 2017, I quit corporate to pursue personal interests and enrolled in the Precision Nutrition certification course. Not long after, I dove into a new role at another startup and never finished the programme. I thought having a job with a guaranteed income meant stability and success. A year later, I was utterly miserable despite having a great team and believing passionately in our mission to empower behavioural change through micro-learning.
I quit that job and contemplated becoming a monk or working on a farm. Instead, I asked myself what I was most passionate about. I desperately wanted to get into health and sustainability because I wanted to make the world a better place. At that time, there weren’t many options in Hong Kong but one biotech company stood out - it was a growth startup in genomics and diagnostic health, and they were expanding at the time. I tracked down the hiring manager and wrote him a long letter after going through his blog - I felt inspired. I had called the letter “my mission to the world” where I wanted to join the team and empower people to make healthier choices, and in turn, I believed those choices would positively impact our planet and society as a whole.
I was fortunate to land a role that propelled me into the healthcare industry. I had an incredible but hard and honestly painful journey. Although I learned a tremendous amount and evolved as a person, a manager and a leader, I was suffering on the inside. My ego was on overdrive. Not only did I want to make an impact on the world, but I also wanted to prove that I was worthy. I focused so much on pleasing everyone else that I neglected myself. My eczema returned and it lasted for two years. Leaving the company was one of the hardest decisions of my life. I was on a fast-track path to success and I was extremely passionate about my work, but I was unhappy. I lost my energy and thrill for life. I was mentally and physically sick.
The brain has a direct effect on our stomach and intestines. Our gastrointestinal health is largely influenced by stress and chronic stress can inflame the gut. My gut was destroyed. I ignored my gut for two years until one day I just couldn’t carry on anymore. For me, severe burnout manifests in the form of eczema but it can show up differently for each individual. It took me 3 months on a strict eczema detox (i.e. low salicylate diet) to see the symptoms fade away and another 3 months for my gut to properly heal.
It’s easy to fall into the passion trap and convince ourselves that there’s no gain without pain. While growth and happiness stem from challenges, there’s also only so much that we can take. When we ignore our gut intuition, we are essentially betraying ourselves, and our gut is usually always right. Somatic awareness allows us to tune into our body and inner compass. When we can break away from our conditioned mind and tap into our true selves, we’re able to listen more closely to our gut intuition and notice what makes us feel alive. Follow the loving and all that is within you. Walk that path wherever it leads you.
Three takeaways:
The power of letting go: it’s better to let go than to hold on to something that’s killing you.
The passion trap: no matter how much you love something (or someone), if it’s killing you then something needs to change, and you might need to let go.
Live smarter: there are other ways to do what you love without experiencing burnout - everyone is different so discover the tools that work for your unique being.
Right-hand then: two years with eczema
Right-hand now: happy and healthy!
